Vietnam Jokes

The darkest of morbid, sarcastic, fatalistic humor comes out of war. There were jokes in Vietnam, just as in every other war. Some are still funny today, but even those that are not funny tell you something about that time and place. Here are a few I remember. If you want to add your own jokes here, e-mail them to Roch Thornton.

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Here’s one I heard in training for Vietnam at Camp Pendleton:

Instructor: “There are 100 kinds of snakes in South Viet Nam. Ninety-nine of them are poisonous … (long pause) … and the other one eats you whole.”

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Here’s one I heard many times, even years after the war:

Question: How do you win the war in Vietnam?

Answer: First you put all the loyal South Vietnamese on ships out in the South China Sea. Then you nuke the whole country into smoking ashes, from the DMZ to the Delta.

Then you sink the ships.

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Here’s one that probably predates the Vietnam War by a few thousand years.

First Marine: What’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get home?

Second Marine: Fuck my wife.

First Marine: Well, what’s the second thing you’re gonna do?

Second Marine: Put down my seabag.

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I heard the following joke both in Vietnam and after I was in college back in the World. If you don’t get it, look up “sarcasm” in the dictionary.

Girl: How could you shoot all those women and children in Vietnam!

Veteran: It’s easy … you just don’t lead them as much.

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A lieutenant confronted a Marine who was falling back during a fierce battle.

The lieutenant shouted, “Where are you going! Didn’t you hear me say we’re outnumbered 4 to 1?”

The Marine replied, “But sir, I got my four!”